Vanity Fair (UK), October 27, 1904
[See attribution note on Vanity Fair menu page]
 

In the Stocks.
 

MUCH admiration has been expressed at the conduct of the company of the Haymarket Theatre, Chicago, in acting during a fire behind the scenes. They modestly protest, however, that they have no objection to fire. If it had been a frost, they might not have acquitted themselves so well.

•   •   •   •   •

The Baltic Fleet includes one ice-breaker. The captain of this vessel was chosen, we imagine, for his tact rather than his seamanship. It is not everyone who can be trusted to break the ice satisfactorily.

•   •   •   •   •

’Twas midnight. Strasbourg was wrapped in sleep. Incidentally, Jules Dagoux, of Strasbourg, was wrapped in sleep. But not for long. He woke suddenly, and started up in bed. He had heard a noise! Now, Jules was a hero, as it were, from away back. He did not blench or hesitate. Seizing his revolver, which had caused so many a stout Thomas Cat to fly panic-stricken over the wall of the back-garden, he crept downstairs. A dim figure emerged from the dining-room. Jules loosed off! A cry!! A thud!!! But the fact was, somehow or other, it wasn’t a burglar after all, but only his mother-in-law. However, as Jules said when he struck a match and viewed the prostrate figure, “All’s well that ends well.”

•   •   •   •   •

A LATTER-DAY MIRACLE.

The age of miracles is said
 By those at least who ought to know
To be a little more than dead;
            And so,
The wonders we behold to-day
Are all to be explained away.

But though they may perhaps be right
 Who make so very wide a claim,
Some things occur which are not quite
            The same
As might be looked for, if the cause
Of all events were Nature’s laws.

It is not that we see to-day
 The crown of alchemy has come,
And transmutation dwells in ra-
            Dium,
With motion never to be checked
And much we cannot yet detect.

There Nature rules, as all confess;
 But those who ask must ask in vain,
For none can understand, still less
            Explain
What superhuman magic art
Impelled that Baltic Fleet to start.

•   •   •   •   •

Mr. J. Wright, of Newcastle, has just type-written 30,096 words in seven hours. To celebrate the feat, it is believed that he will in future be known as J. Type-Wright.

•   •   •   •   •

We are glad to see a business-like spirit springing up among our British working-men. Awarded six hundred pounds for the loss of an arm, a man at Barnard Castle offered to let them have a leg, too, on the same terms.

•   •   •   •   •

Owing to the extraordinary popularity of Taunton Gaol, the authorities have decided to open a branch establishment in the City to receive the overflow. They will be ready to welcome patrons early in December, and trust by strict attention to business to secure a continuance of those favours which they have enjoyed hitherto.

•   •   •   •   •

As the Presidential polling is on Nov. the 8th, the Republicans and the Democrats are beginning to administer the inevitable coating of red paint to the States. Both sides, we read, are using large quantities of fireworks. Probably political squibs.

•   •   •   •   •

Muscular Christianity continues to the fore. The Marquis of Anglesey’s ping-pong suit has been bought by a local clergyman.

•   •   •   •   •

Hero-worship is pleasant, but it can be carried too far. So popular is a certain professional half-back that his admirers broke into the pavilion, abstracted his boots, and began kicking goals with them in an adjoining field. They are now charged with breaking and entering. These are Life’s tragedies.

Rasper. 


 

Printed unsigned in Vanity Fair; entered by Wodehouse as “In the Stocks” for this date in Money Received for Literary Work. It is possible that not all individual items are by Wodehouse.