THE MODERN PLAYGOER.
Vanity Fair (UK), November 3, 1904
(Mr. Bernard Shaw says that everyone ought to train for a fortnight before going to see a play.)
If you’re going to the theatre
For to see a modern play,
You must get yourself all ready for the tussle.
You must not forget your dumb-bells,
You must strive in every way
To foster your debilitated muscle.
You must exercise all day
If you’re going to the play.
Let me plan a little programme
Which is sure to make you fit
To appreciate a drama that is tragic.
Run a dozen miles each morning,
Put the gloves on for a bit,
And you’ll find the treatment act on you like magic.
In a week or so you may
Witness any tragic play.
But for comedies and farces
You must try another plan:
You must skip for twenty minutes after dinner,
Do a little rapid sprinting,
Ride a roadster, if you can,
And take a drug or two to make you thinner.
If these maxims you obey,
You’ll enjoy a comic play.