If you’re going to the theatre
 For to see a modern play,
 You must get yourself all ready for the tussle.
You must not forget your dumb-bells,
 You must strive in every way
 To foster your debilitated muscle.
You must exercise all day
If you’re going to the play.

Let me plan a little programme
 Which is sure to make you fit
 To appreciate a drama that is tragic.
Run a dozen miles each morning,
 Put the gloves on for a bit,
 And you’ll find the treatment act on you like magic.
In a week or so you may
Witness any tragic play.

But for comedies and farces
 You must try another plan:
 You must skip for twenty minutes after dinner,
Do a little rapid sprinting,
 Ride a roadster, if you can,
 And take a drug or two to make you thinner.
If these maxims you obey,
You’ll enjoy a comic play.